I remembered which topic discussed on skype last night that I forgot to mention. We talked a little bit about how I was generally seen as creepy. Instead of just editing the previous post, I decided that it was a lengthy enough subject that I could just give it its own theme entry.

Before I go into that, though, I just sorta wanna talk about a couple other things first. Tonight I tried Taco Bell instead of McDonald's for my lunch break, and I gotta say, I am not very impressed. Leaving aside the fact that I scraped the side of my truck on a pole in the drive thru, and then drove across a flower bed because I didn't realize it wasn't a driving path, it still ended up costing about a dime more than McDonald's. Not only that, but it's a little farther away, which means I now have to deal with a stoplight, and the straws are really tiny. I'll probably stick with Mickey Dee's after all.

After we closed for the night, I was moving a Z-rail to the dock when I found the teeniest tiniest little mouse under one of the tables. The poor thing was terrified, and it was pretty difficult to herd him into the box I found without hurting him. He even made the most adorable squeaks on his way in. I released him in the bushes just outside the store, even though I dunno how likely he'll survive out there. That was all I could do though, since I don't have anywhere to keep him at home. Hopefully he found his way home okay. :(

Alright, it's getting late, and I have work in just over five hours from now, so I'll get right down to tonight's theme: creepiness. I found out this past Acen that the majority of people I was spending time with found me incredibly creepy. It wasn't really that surprising of a revelation, considering my lack of understanding of boundaries, but it was still interesting to note. Once I found that out, I really played it up a lot, because that's easier than actually holding a conversation with someone. Sometimes, though, I'd be acting as normal as I could, and people would still get creeped out by me. The example I always give (because it's the only one I remember hearing about) is when we were in the Dealer's Room on Sunday, and I walked up to Scott and mention that it's really hot in there. He says yeah, and we both stand there nodding at each other for a few seconds, before he doubles over laughing and says, "God, you're so CREEPY!"

Well, as much as I like having a niche and a place in the group dynamic, I really don't want to be The Creepy Guy. Sure, it lets me get away with doing things that get me noticed as "That Guy", and I probably wouldn't mind at all if I weren't aware of it. But like so many other personality traits of mine that I don't like me having that I don't mind in other people, I am now painfully aware of it. Being aware of it and recognizing that it isn't "cool", despite it being fun sometimes, means that I should make a concerted effort to get rid of it. It might not be easy, especially since I've probably been acting this way my entire life, but if it were easy, then I wouldn't have to bother typing about it at all. Hell, if it were easy, I'd have cut it out right when I first heard even a hint of me seeming creepy.

I found out earlier today that my mom used to call my dad creepy too. Apparently my dad overheard me on Skype last night and happened to be walking past right when we were talking about me being creepy. So sometime this afternoon, he sat down with me and told me about how she used to talk about how much he creeped her out. Granted, she was a little off in the head sometimes allegedly. I say allegedly because I never really paid much attention to what was going on between them until after they had split up. It was a really big surprise, especially considering some of the accusations I heard them throw at each other. Adultery, beatings, death threats, running away for weeks... Honestly, I was astonished I could have completely not noticed to it all, seeing as the rest of the kids apparently knew what was going on the whole time. I'd like to say this revelation caused me to be more perceptive and actively pay more attention to what's going on between people, but unfortunately, I'm still as dense as ever. I didn't even notice Chris & aes getting close until Ileia told me that we were setting them up or something. Or asked if we should set them up maybe. Yeah, I think it was the second one, because I thought she meant we were gonna play a trick on them, so I asked, "Set them to do what?" Ileia's response still makes me giggle: "To HAVE SEX!"

I'll be honest; that's the main reason I want to stop being creepy. I'd really like to have a girlfriend at least once during my life, and seeing as I tend to not think too much before making mistakes, I would not be surprised at all if I didn't have very much longer. Plus there's also the destruction of the universe on December 21st, 2012, so it's looking like I won't be living past the age of 24. Speaking of mistakes, I've noticed that the more fun I'm having, the more mistakes I make. In other words, when I'm having fun, I don't pay attention to what's going on around me, and I spill something, or injure someone, or break something, or I say something that really upsets somebody else. The logical solution would be to stop having fun and keep focused on doing things, but I like being happy. That's the biggest difficulty of self-improvement; I'd probably like me if I were somebody else, but since I'm me, I have the responsibility to fix any problems I can. And problems are really easy to find, since I just gotta look for something that makes me feel bad after I'm done doing it. At least I think that's how I figured it out. That description kinda clashes with my motto of "if it feels good, it's wrong". Oh right, that's how it works. If I enjoy it, I recognize that it feels good, which means it's wrong, so I feel bad about myself afterward.

I might not be so obsessed with finding faults in myself if I actually had a life goal besides "get a girlfriend", but when I think about what it is I want in life, I only really come up with three things. Besides the previously mentioned desire for a girlfriend, I want to have friends (check), and I want to make people I like happy. Looking at this set of goals, it feels like the second two work hard to pretty much prevent the first from happening. Making people happy (i.e., being nice all the time) is really good for making friends, but that's the exact opposite way I've learned girlfriend-getting works. I figure the best way to fix this (barring finding myself an actual goal to make something of MYSELF) would be to have a couple meaningless relationships with strangers or girls who don't know me very well at all (since if they knew me I couldn't even get to the relationship stage), and hopefully get my heart broken once or twice. Get myself a dose of reality on my imagination. Then again, if it were a meaningless relationship, I probably wouldn't get my heart broken, since I wouldn't be putting my heart into a relationship I knew were a sham. What I gotta do is figure out some way to differentiate between a friend and a girlfriend besides "a girlfriend might let me have sex with her". Because really, I love all my friends. I have a friendship crush on all of you. I just don't know how to tell the difference between a friendship crush and a romantic crush, I guess. And, since reading about it hasn't given me any answers that make sense, the only way I can think of to figure it out is to give it a try and see if feelings happen. Or something like that anyway.